The Story of Passover: Modernized and Abridged
By Mike Iseman.
Long long long long long long ago- the Egyptians had Sweat shops and made the Israelis work in them for slave wages putting together Gucci Bags and Nike Shoes and Levi Jeans. One day- one of the seamstresses had a child- and she didn't want him working in the sweat shop, so she hid him in the sewer- where the boss man's daughter was scoring blow.
She saw this kid floating down the sewer and was all "What a cute kid!" and adopted him and her boss man dad was all "You can't have a kid!!!" and she was all "But look at how cute he is!" and he was like "Yes. He's cute. He can stay!" and raised him as his own and he grew up under the name Mosey.
One day Mosey was smoking some chronic when suddenly his joint started talking to him. He just thought there was some weird stuff in the chronic, until the joint proved it was God. The joint told him he's an Israeli, and has to liberate his people from the sweat shops.
So he went to his boss man dad and said "Let my people go!" and boss man said "Um. Maybe not." so Mosey called him a douche and left.
The next day- he came back and said "Let my people go or my joint will pull mad shit!
1) Gang members (Blood)
2) French Tourists (Frogs)
3) Crabs (Lice)
4) Mosquitoes (Flies)
5) Undercooked Burgers (Murrain)
6) Acne (Boils)
7) Crappy weather (Hail)
8) Taxes (Locusts)
9) Loss of Electricity- so No TV, no XBox, no Internet (darkness)
10) Dropping the Blackberry in the toilet (Death of the first born son)
So- Boss man was like "Go screw yourself!"
and the plagues started- and soon boss man realized just how much deep shit he was in, and said "Fine! The Israelis can leave!" so they started packing to get the hell out of there fast before Boss man changed his mind. They knew they wouldn't have time to stop for food on the way and started packing lunches and placing orders from Take out- but the only place that would deliver that fast was The Indian restaurant with awesome Tikka Misala- but their Naan bread kinda sucked. I mean- it really sucked! It was brutal. It was like cardboard! Tasteless! Crunchy. Like a really bad cracker- but they were fast.
So the indian place delivered and the Israeli's escaped and so every year for 7 days we eat awful naan bread to commemorate our liberation from the sweat shops!
Long long long long long long ago- the Egyptians had Sweat shops and made the Israelis work in them for slave wages putting together Gucci Bags and Nike Shoes and Levi Jeans. One day- one of the seamstresses had a child- and she didn't want him working in the sweat shop, so she hid him in the sewer- where the boss man's daughter was scoring blow.
She saw this kid floating down the sewer and was all "What a cute kid!" and adopted him and her boss man dad was all "You can't have a kid!!!" and she was all "But look at how cute he is!" and he was like "Yes. He's cute. He can stay!" and raised him as his own and he grew up under the name Mosey.
One day Mosey was smoking some chronic when suddenly his joint started talking to him. He just thought there was some weird stuff in the chronic, until the joint proved it was God. The joint told him he's an Israeli, and has to liberate his people from the sweat shops.
So he went to his boss man dad and said "Let my people go!" and boss man said "Um. Maybe not." so Mosey called him a douche and left.
The next day- he came back and said "Let my people go or my joint will pull mad shit!
1) Gang members (Blood)
2) French Tourists (Frogs)
3) Crabs (Lice)
4) Mosquitoes (Flies)
5) Undercooked Burgers (Murrain)
6) Acne (Boils)
7) Crappy weather (Hail)
8) Taxes (Locusts)
9) Loss of Electricity- so No TV, no XBox, no Internet (darkness)
10) Dropping the Blackberry in the toilet (Death of the first born son)
So- Boss man was like "Go screw yourself!"
and the plagues started- and soon boss man realized just how much deep shit he was in, and said "Fine! The Israelis can leave!" so they started packing to get the hell out of there fast before Boss man changed his mind. They knew they wouldn't have time to stop for food on the way and started packing lunches and placing orders from Take out- but the only place that would deliver that fast was The Indian restaurant with awesome Tikka Misala- but their Naan bread kinda sucked. I mean- it really sucked! It was brutal. It was like cardboard! Tasteless! Crunchy. Like a really bad cracker- but they were fast.
So the indian place delivered and the Israeli's escaped and so every year for 7 days we eat awful naan bread to commemorate our liberation from the sweat shops!
posted by Mike at 4/07/2009 06:09:00 p.m.
