Love, English teachers and big messes.

Sorry I haven’t updated my blog more recently- I’ve been busy- swamped at work.
How busy?
Busier than Bill Clinton at a Strip Bar. (Glad you’re feeling better, Bill)
Busier than Helmut Lang at a Matrix themed rave.
Busier than Phillip Roth a Fetish Party for Hillel.
Busier than Britney Spears at a family law firm offering bulk discounts
Busier than my sister in Germany at a… er… German Astrologer and Environmentalist convention(that was a stretch)
Busier than my friend S.K. at a “Perverted but cute anonymous” meeting. (They have those?? Where do I sign up???)
Busier than Al Sharpton at a Chili Dog eating contest.
Busier than OK- I think I’ve just about exhausted that :P

Last week there was a girl that I was dating casually. Over the weekend it suddenly turned ugly- and when I say ugly I mean serious- and when I say serious- I mean wonderful; so perhaps I should have used a better adjective than ugly... at any rate… This week a girl that I’ve been dating had an internet date planned for a while, and despite her insistence that she doesn’t want to go because things are good between her and I- I encouraged- nay insisted she go.

Why?
I frankly have no clue.

I called an hour after she was supposed to meet with the fellow to ask her if she wanted to have plans for dinner. She’s certainly sure to have the date well ended by then- right? Right?
Wrong.
The background din was undeniable- there was no belying the fact she at a Second Cup.

Well- she at least would sound bored over the phone and having a miserable time, right? Right?
Wrong
The chipper tones of her voice picked at my soul like a raven picking at my heart (please excuse the messy analogy- I know it was pedestrian at best). There was absolutely no denying that she was actually in a great mood!

Further torment when she called me back after her and her date parted to cheerfully inform me “You’ve been replaced!” My insides froze like… (ok- I already had one terrible analogy- I’m not going to try for two… what the hell- I am going to!) My insides froze as cold shot through me like ice water. (once again- terribly sorry; that is overused)

As it turns out- the little scamp was “taking a piss out of me” as my friend Elliot would cheerfully explain- we dined on sushi and basked in the bliss that is a burgeoning (there’s that word again) relationship…

I really should apologize for this email- my craft is definitely suffering from what I’ve been doing which is writing content for websites that’s optimized or search engines- and you tend to go a little nuts when you have write paragraphs like this; say the key word we’re optimizing for is “blogging”

Sorry I haven’t been blogging lately- my blogging efforts have been deferred repeatedly- as blogging efforts some times are- but rest assured my blogging will soon regain its former frequency and blogging will once again be something I’m doing often.

Yikes! If I write the b word one more time- I’m going to have a scatological accident.

So- sorry about this today’s bl…er, episode- hopefully next entry will be much better and you’ll find it in your hearts to read my next blog.
Do you smell something?


Oops.

Letter to the Editor

Dear Editors of the Globe and Mail,

Please note that the following reporters are trying to steal my writing genius:

Jan Wong- she used to take me out to lunch all the time and then stick me with the bill. Now she uses me to hide behind when the City of Rochester has caught her scent again and are hot on her trail.

Russell Smith- He’s also trying to steal my shoes.

Margaret Wente- She’s successfully stolen my intellect. Yes… that’s where she gets it.

Anthony Reinhart- And another thing- he keeps following me around.

Jeffrey Simpson- His reporting makes me ashamed to be Canadian- not because his writing is bad, but because it shows us just how horrible our country really is. And he keeps hacking into my computer system and deleting emails that I haven’t read yet. Yeah- It’s not that people aren’t writing me- it’s that he’s deleting them…

Leah McLaren- I actually don’t read her- but my sister tells me she’s up to no good.

Christie Blatchford- this is a case where it’s worse than just stealing. She confronts me and demands things. I give them- who am I to say no to Christie Blatchford? She’s probably the toughest person in the Nation- I mean if she went up against Evander Hollyfield- I’d put my money on the blonde Prius Driving Marathon runner with the biceps any day! Yikes!

Now editors, I have gone to great lengths to be as specific as possible with my list of grievances. Please make sure these reporters are summarily punished. I am not a crack pot. Please be quick about it too- as we speak the aliens are approaching my hide out and will force feed me spam and green olives with pimentos! I HATE pimentos!!!

Now if you'll excuse me I have to call the hosts on CFRB 1010.

Sincerely,

Mike Iseman
Editor: Mike’s Blog.



Please excuse the strange blog today- I just finished Slaughterhouse Five by Kurt Vonnegut the other day and I thought I'd take my best crack at writing a Crack Pot letter (or even better yet- Whack Job) to the editor and at the same time- send some soft accolades and roasts to the fine intelligencia at the distinguished Daily that entertains me so wildly over eggs and oatmeal in the morning.

Black in the Family

BWI- Boating while Influenced?

OK- that was harsh- but there is a segue here- and that is the case of Kevin Kahn which was in court yesterday.

Apparently- Reported by Police Mr. Kahn is a young and handsome Black man who was driving erratically, and thus- was pulled over.

After being pulled over- the Constable apparently smelled drugs in the car, and thus had just reason to search it. A search revealed cornucopious amounts of cocaine, and thus arrested said handsome black man.

Justice is served, right? Wrong!

The real representation of justice- the Judge poked holes in all this!
The reason the handsome black man was pulled over was not erratic driving- but because he was DWB (Driving while Black) and driving a very nice car too I might add- a Mercedes- apparently being a Real Estate Broker agreed with him…

Anyways- Being a good fellow- he lent his brother his Mercedes for the week- the Brother who is the alleged owner of said cornucopious amounts of cocaine- but the Drugs are inadmissible as evidence, because the police had no reason to believe there were drugs in the car.

But didn’t the officer smell drugs?
No- the judge decreed that he didn’t smell drugs- he was lying that he smelled them, and what’s more- he (the officer) is a dick because he’s trying to prove said handsome black man is a felon because he’s handsome and black… or maybe just black. Cocaine only has a very faint smell, aparently.

Now- I want to talk about something that’s on everyone’s mind- getting pulled over for DWH- Driving while Handsome- not to be confused with DWS (Driving while Smiley) because it can easily be conflated with Driving While Happy. My sister and I practice the DWS method of driving regularly and it honestly has gotten us out of more trouble than in.

But DWH must be a horrible experience.
“Step out of the car, you sexy mofo! You’re too pretty for that VW!”
“You in the Nissan- roll up those windows, lady! Your hair is going to get all mussed up! Just use the AC.”
“Sir- please waddle out of your Bimmer and let Paulo here take over in his Diesel Jeans and French Cut shirt…”

As far as the brother’s drugs… I dunno- a guy can’t be blamed for the actions of his brother- and there’s always one black sheep in the family… and that’s what I was thinking of- who exactly is the black sheep in my immediate family?

My eldest sister is raising two kids and has successfully retained her sanity (and waistline) despite the best efforts of her indefatigable son.
The middle sister is amassing properties as a burgeoning real estate tycoon (there I go using that word again) and is working on her second novel.
And the youngest sister is currently living in Germany doing her PhD in Engineering and recently won third place for an essay in a contest.

I guess that just leaves me. When you remove all other possible solutions- the remaining one- however unlikely is the correct one- and thus I am the black sheep.

I just hope I don’t get pulled over for DWBS.

Year of the Good

OK- another year is passed and now it’s coming into 5765…
Which reminds of the old joke- it’s the Chinese year 4701- that means that jews had to live 1064 years without going for Chinese food.

This is a time for celebration and rebirth and renewal and looking over the last year and what’s been accomplished.

Given that I just had a birthday not 2 months ago- where I carefully examined my progress and attainment of my goals over the previous 12 months- I see what a disparity 2 months make!

I feel hopeful, confident and energized about the coming year! I feel like this past I’ve done some good growing and am moving into the direction of where I want to be - I hope everyone else is also moving in a forward direction- it must be simply awful to be moving in a backward direction- and of course- being powerless to stop it.

• Sometimes we forget just what a safe little cradle we have in North America. There are people living in abject terror in Iraq, Russia and Israel. There’s strife civil war and people being butchered in the Sudan. A very smart (and pretty) lady mused the other day “Why is it that US ran into Iraq with guns blazing but are totally indifferent to the Sudan? It’s because Sudan has no Oil to grab.” And I lament that she’s probably not far off the mark.
• North Korea is absolutely nuts! Just goes to show that while Sino-Communism is dangerous, it’s nothing compared to pseudo-Sino-Communism!
• China is STILL in Tibet!
• Children even in my city are starving to death…

But look at the progress that we have made: (not in the last year but in general)

• China is no longer being a whiney little bitch (or major threat).
• The Civil war in Cyprus is cooled through police action of the West (yay Canadian Armed Forces!)
• The Cold War between NATO and the Commies is long gone (North Korea aside).
• Israel has made peace with Egypt.
• Ireland still is at peace.
• Hitler, Stalin and Rick James are still dead
• Cole Haan is coming out with some really nice products this year.
  And closer to home….
• My sister got into the Doctoral program of her choice.
• My other sister bought a house
• My OTHER other sister is successfully raising two children and hasn’t lost her sanity despite best efforts by her very adorable yet indefatigable son.
• My father is not in love. He’s in Luuuuuuuuuuuuuuurve- and is walking around with little hearts in his eyes and a silly grin on his face.
• My mother has achieved her dream of opening an antiques store and its kicking ass!
  

4 bad to 14 good.
Looks like he good wins again this year.
Happy new year all.

Photo Friday

Was it something the ball said?	The latest craze in pop music? At the top of the charts- the band "Ex-Politicians" sing their song "I had the power."
"Let's see- eating bacon is allowed for Sunday Brunch... I know it's in here somewhere..."	erm... uh... I'm not even going to touch that one.
There are other ways to make sure your children get enough fibre in their diet.	Still trying to keep the government afloat? (sorry- that was bad- I know.)

Why the Amish hate Peanut Butter

Technophiles- those Luddites were right!
Pack it up boys- it’s all over!

This is the impending doom of our wired world.
Now is the winter of our disconnect.

“OK-We get the picture already! Enough drama! What the hell is your problem Mike???”
“Crap. Where do I start?”

1. My car is making funny noises when I turn.
2. My phone won’t download messages sent to me (much to the ire of the senders and to me
3. My computer won’t download porn at astonishing speeds.
4. My Blogspot won’t allow updates and I’m left with a phrase “relates themselves to” when all I want to do is replace it with “with an affinity towards…”
5. I’m not getting as many emails as I’d like to get (yes! It’s the computer’s fault!)
6. There isn’t the technology available to transport people (me) to Germany instantly for coffee with friends (my sister).
7. I can’t write the word shithead with out the little red squiggly line coming under it in Word!
8. The technology doesn’t exist to grow me hair in the paces I want it
9. Or remove it from the places I don’t
10. Computers should be more obsequious. When was the last time a computer called you “Sir”?

There are several approaches- the sociological pundits would argue that the more we rely on technology- the less we rely on humanity. The more wired and technical we get less we rely on other humans to communicate with.

Works great in theory- but let’s look no further even than this blog.

If I were to write a letter- make a hundred copies and mail it to each of you- that would certainly be a less effective mode of communication than this- and the communicative coefficient that is- the amount of communication that is presented is for the most part on par!

Then of course- there’s the Michael Crichton approach which says that all technology is fallible and will destroy us.

OK- two things- 1) Makes for a great story to sell, but in practice it doesn’t happen. Technology rarely runs amok and 2) I wouldn’t talk or I’ll just throw Congo back in your face. You can’t deny it! I know you wrote it!

So- I guess in some ways- while we rely extensively on technology- we have to remember that it is the Hobbesian Leviathan that we have created ourselves- and for better or worse- it is an integral part of our society, and economy.

We have to remember- it’s not the cause the or the cure of any ailments- it’s just a tool- Like a knife. If used improperly- yes it can slice off your hand, but do you know a better way to spread Peanut butter?

Socrates' Schtick

I went to the Midway on Saturday for the first time in over a decade- it’s incredible how little time has touched it. The air is still electric with the optimism of the 60s and the wary optimism of the 70s. Perhaps that’s what the name of the beast is with The Ex- an example of the leveling Kierkegaardian Aesthetic- where this is the most possible fun one can have- while still contributing their lives to the pursuit of that which the powers that be suggest. As my sister the German Environmentalist would muse- “A bread and circus”. This is what the Romans used to have to keep the working class contented, placid and distracted- basically manufacturing the good favor of the workers to protect the elite.

That’s something that philosophers and academics have touched upon again and again over the millennium- how do the classes interact- and more specifically how can the elite class keep the working class working?

Marx said that religion is the opiate of the masses- and then the Bourgeois stick it to you.
Modern Management texts would say you have 2 options: the carrot or the stick.
Adam Smith said leave it to the invisible stick and everything will just take care of itself.
Jean Jaque Rousseau said that love yourself like you love others (or was it love others like you love yourself)- and remember to stick to the social contract.
Hobbes said Speak quietly and carry and big stick
Locke said Speak loudly and don’t bother with a stick. Hobbes and Locke were kind of the Jerry and Newman of their own times.
Machiavelli said use the stick to beat them after you get them drunk.
Freud said that your stick is a phallic representation of how you wish to control your own life, but feel powerless to do so because your mother refused to pass the salt… Or that’s my best understanding of it… That and women have stick envy.
Jung said that the stick represents the archetype. I’m not sure what he meant- but I just really like his name… Jung…. Jung… Jung.
Camus said that there is no stick except what we are conditioned to recognize as the stick.
Durkheim said that if you’re experiencing cognitive dissonance- you will identify with the marginalized deviants move to the sticks.


The end result is that almost every philosopher has ways in which the powers that be are protected from the powers that work. On that note-

Happy Labor Day

Swearing Jews

So- I met a woman from Jdate today.

For those who don’t know- Jdate is an internet dating site- specifically for Jews. Being Jewish, and having an affinity for dating and entering relationships with Jews- I have been meeting girls now and then… mostly then- and not so much more recently, and I have found much more interesting pursuits than romance.

That’s not the intended focus of this particular creek of thought (It’s not large enough to be a stream of thought). I warn you- this may sound a little like a rant…

Anyways- the girl that I met today was perfectly nice except for 3 things.

1. Total lack of personality.
2. Total lack of sense of humor.
3. Not Jewish.

OK- the first one I can see- I mean; North American culture doesn’t seem to be the spawn of passion and energy- so the people that do have personality- are rare gems.

The second one- I can also fully excuse- some people have it- some people don’t… I have it, she doesn’t- no big deal. I’m not judging.

The third- If she’s not Jewish- what the hell is she doing signing up for a Jewish web site? And it’s not like third year University when I signed up to take a Business course as an elective when I knew full well that I was a communist- because not being a communist wasn’t a given expectation of taking the course. (I’m no longer a Communist- I am, however, still a Jew).

In my view- it’s fully implied that if you’re posting on Jdate that you’re Jewish. Not only are you looking specifically for a Jew to date- but other Jews who are only looking for Jews to date can date you while feeling totally safe that you’re an MOT.

MOT- that’s pseudo intellectual code for Member of the Tribe- meaning Jewish. That’s just one more term from American Novelist Phillip Roth- who also coined the term JAP meaning Jewish American Princess. It’s one of those great terms that has become overused and lost its power in the intended meaning. Another example is the notion of “Big Brother” which has become diluted through overuse. Fascist is another one of those terms that has become diluted- even corrupted and its basic meaning has even changed from the original meaning as someone with an affinity towards the political-economic movement of Fascism- to what is today: someone who eats veal and drives an SUV.

To me- that’s the perfect example of the wonder of linguistics- the meaning of words change- it's fluid, and colloquialisms are roots of tomorrow’s language- that is- according to linguistics theory. So- embrace your curses my friends! Expel your oaths with pride and delight that you are helping push a new language forward and you are doing your part to further the study of the noble field of Linguistics.

Just stay the fuck off Jdate if you’re not a JAP.

McCuley Culkin is missing!!!!

Click the pic

Ermm.... No I haven't... but whatever you do don't check the loose board bellow my trunk in my mother's guest room closet... because it's not there... the only... er... thing that's there... er... is... er... my drugs. Yes! My drugs! And my weapons! Absolutely! So rest assured- I may be a junkie who carries weapons, but not art stealer... no sir! Not me! AHEM! So- no reason to look in the closet... yeah... just take my word for it, because.... because... I mean- hey if you can't trust a junkie with a weapon collection- ILLEGAL weapon collection what's this world coming to? I mean you don't trust lawyers and they're some of the most trusted individuals in society... Ok I realize that I just totally contradicted myself here, but I'm a little nervous- I mean- what is this? The Inquisition? What's with all the questions? I'm not on trial on here am I?

Anyways- even if you wanted to find the art... I mean the drugs and weapons- you couldn't because... er... it's under a big pile of pornography! yes! that's right! I'm a junkie with penchant for illegal weapons and porn and stolen art... Ooops! Strike that last one from your record. Just forget I said anything alright??

Damn- I can't get you to shut up, can I?

War is hell

Telus Corporation is aggressively pursuing Microcell Telecommunications Inc. For the lay-people; That’s Telus trying to remove Fido from competition. For the layer-people- Lizard vs. Doggy!

Telus keeps on not only extending offers to buy out Microcell- then pushing back the offer, then increasing the offer- then trying to buy it share by share- but also trying to grab all their customers by giving offers to the end users- like “Bring us your Fido Phone- we’ll buy out your plan, upgrade your phone and give you a better plan”

So- with all this happening- Fido might feel like it has a bunch of little red sniper dots all over its forehead… so what does the little dog do? It gives a crazy offer like $45/ month for unlimited use.

As with all wars- it starts with the decision makers declaring war on each other and then it eventually flitters down through the ranks to the echelons of the masses- the end users. Those using their $150 Telus plan for unlimited North American Long distance, or Granny who uses her $20/plan in case her car goes into a ditch.

Soon- they will take the next logical step- manufacturing hate and fear.

“Telus Corporation people are not like you and me. Telus Corporation people don’t feel love the way we do.”
“Microcell stock holders eat their babies.”
“Telus Clients smell like old cheese.”
“Fido customers are responsible for 9/11!”
“Yo momma!”
“I’m Rick James, Bitch!”
…and before we know it- Granny 20 is tackling Mr. unlimited 150 as he’s trying to get her into a full Nelson… and meanwhile- Bell Clients are still on hold waiting for Customer Service, and Rogers Clients are being cross sold again… “I see you chat on your phone quite a bit… You know who else does? Viggo Mortinson! Have you seen him in Hidalgo? No? Well- Why don’t I just reserve that for you to pick up then...”

So- I suppose Fido’s unlimited plan was their best attempt at a weapon of mass destruction.

God Bless Telus- go get em boys!